There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
