Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Randomize
