You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
