I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
