Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
