she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Randomize