Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize