I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
