There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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