Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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