things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
