i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
