It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
