Non-Jews are for practice
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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