I met the friendliest cop last night
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
