I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
