and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize