this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
