I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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