so explain again why im purple
no
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
