Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
