Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
