Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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