true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
