My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
