I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
