one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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