YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
