I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
