Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
