Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
