turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
no you cant smoke seaweed
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
