My cat gives me a boner
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
