Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I looked at my own cervix.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
