Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Drake has all the answers
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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