Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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