dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
