The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
