in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
