I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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