Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
