he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
