she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
you had me at cake vodka
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
