When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
