Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
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