One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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