Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
