We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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