I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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