guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
