I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
