five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
