so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Rumble strips road head = magical
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize