Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
