walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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