First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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