How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
