I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
