I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
They are going to name an STD after you.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
