He kissed a someone with a penis
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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