i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I smell like Dick and happiness
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
