I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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